By: Funny Or Die

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The Time Zack Morris Orchestrated A Death Coverup

It ‘s best friend week in Speech Class. Sure. Slater ‘s best friend has always there for him. So not Zack. He ‘s talking about his chameleon Artie. Aww, hope nothing bad happens to that guy. ‘

Zack ‘s disgusted by Slater ‘s gentle bond developed over many years. Slater wants to share Artie ‘s love. Zack says no thanks and makes an unwanted lecherous move on Kelly. Slater ‘s been best buds with Artie since they found each other when his dad was stationed overseas. Zack tells Slater to go bang his foreign reptile. ‘

Slater trusts Screech to watch Artie while he ‘s gone this weekend. He knows Screech has many pets he cares for. Zack ‘s disgusted thinking of caring for anyone but yourself. ‘

Kelly, angel among us, needs help with her speech. But Jessie ‘s busy with a protest. Zack sees a window to offer slimy assistance. (Because I ‘m a generous caring individual) Who ‘s hornier than rhinoceros brass band.

Zack practice-fondles a Kelly cutout before real Kelly arrives like a fucking serial killer. Screech needs Zack ‘s help watching Artie. All his other pets want to eat him! Zack says sure whatever and gets Screech out of there to pressure Kelly into a Thursday tug down. ‘

Kelly ‘s delighted to see Artie, but Zack says throw him over there. Then, instead of helping her speech… Surprise! He makes aggressive sexual advances that are thankfully thwarted by Jessie. Her protest was called off. She can help Kelly now, first by helping her leave. ‘

Zack said Artie ‘s sure been sleeping a lot. Uhhh doesn ‘t look like he ‘s sleeping. Zack, with the emotional IQ of a Snickers bar, doesn ‘t get it. Screech explains: Artie ‘s dead. ‘

Zack rejects the obvious. Maybe Artie ‘s bored ’cause school sucks? The gang has an emotional reaction to this sad update. Zack doesn ‘t, he ‘s a sociopath. They each wonder if they ‘re responsible: Jessie left a drafty window open. Kelly left Artie under a lamp. Worst of all, Screech left him with Zack. Zack denies any culpability for the death he supervised. ‘

Screech says Artie probably died of old age. And incurable blonde complications. But instead of telling Slater what happened, Zack tosses Artie ‘s carcass. Then says Artie ‘s napping at his place. He ‘ll grab him at lunch. Screech almost lets the truth slip. Zack strangles him. ‘

Zack purchases a replacement Artie to trick Slater. Only the girls, confident Zack would lie but less confident he ‘d do anything beyond that, also got a substitute chameleon. They ‘ve been hanging with Zack too much. Slater realizes something ‘s fishy with these dual identical color changing creatures. Zack continues his coverup saying Artie ‘s lost at his house. Yeah. Lost to Jesus. Zack wonders if Slater will blame him for the thing he did. ‘

Slater strolls in, unknowingly calling out to his dead friend. Heart wrenching. But Zack ‘s unable to come clean until he has to when the gang walks in holding a decaying Artie. Slater tries to play it cool. But he ‘s crushed. ‘

Slater ‘s spiraling and acting out in class getting sent to Belding ‘s office. Belding heard Slater was being a real shit head. That doesn ‘t sound like Slater. Sounds like Zack Morris. ‘

Zack interrupts to ask if Slater ‘s ready to apologize for making him feel bad about letting his best friend die then covering it up. ‘

Belding has a real talk with Slater about life and death. It ‘s not fair who stays and who goes. If it was, Zack would ‘ve been out the door a long time ago. He hugs Slater and the healing begins. ‘

But Zack, who basically pulled the trigger on the Art man, makes Artie ‘s memorial service all about himself. He delivers some hollow opening remarks. Then, after everyone else speaks from their heart, Zack says it ‘s time to flush Artie down the toilet. ‘

Let ‘s review. ‘

Zack Morris mocked Slater ‘s friendship with Artie. When Screech came to him in a desperate move to keep Artie alive, Zack tossed him aside to lure Kelly into his latest handjob ambush. And couldn ‘t look after Artie close enough to see he died. Then lied to Slater, over and over, to cover up the death so when he got the news dropped on him he couldn ‘t grieve. Just self- destruct. Leaving Belding to pick up the pieces. All so Zack could bury Artie where the jocks have diarrhea. And Artie didn ‘t die of old age. He got locked in a room with Zack Morris for two days and probably fucking killed himself. Zack Morris is trash. ‘

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Actor/ Writer/ Editor ‘Dashiell Driscoll

Intro Singer ‘Jason Flowers

Post Supervisor ‘Cody Pereira

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