By: Dashiell Driscoll

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The Time Zack Morris Dated Slater ‘s Kid Sister

Zack Morris says the 1950 ‘s were awesome, yeah for guys who looked like Zack, so they ‘re celebrating the problematic era with a sock hop at The Max. ‘

Then does this shit. (“We ‘ll have a burger and a plate of fries ‘) Kill me now. Zack plans to torture sock hop attendees with his vocal terrorism. ‘

Slater ‘s kid sister JB is back after a year abroad. Zack hasn ‘t seen her in a while. Let ‘s keep it that way. ‘

Zack ‘s annoyed Belding wants to use his garbage throne for its intended purpose. Then drops his jaw like a Looney Toon upon viewing a woman.

Zack ‘s detailing how he ‘d fail to give her an orgasm when he gets distracted. (I see a chick that ‘s even hotter.) Slater ‘s sister, JB. ‘

Zack, CEO of Wouldn ‘t Know What To Do With It If I Got The Chance Industries, gives a limp hug. Slater invites JB to wrestling practice. Zack insists on joining, despite having never gone before. (I ‘ve been a very bad friend.) I ‘m sure he ‘s about to turn that streak around. ‘

Zack uses this time to ascertain JB ‘s single and drool. Slater wants to show JB his athletic progress! Zack says scram. Then whisks her away for a romantic burger, causing Slater emotional and physical pain. ‘

Lisa wonders how Slater will handle Zack dating JB. Zack hasn ‘t wondered that once. He tells Slater he ‘s taking JB out without checking how this might make him feel. Slater feigns a smile but is understandably disturbed by this development. ‘

Zack invites JB to the movies. Because she doesn ‘t know better, she accepts. Slater, desperate to stop this disaster, invites Tori to double date! And good he did. Zack got handsy with JB in the backseat, forcing Slater to swerve erratically to prevent a grope fest. ‘

Zack resumes pawing his victim. Slater has to fake choking to keep his sister from getting violated during The Mighty Ducks. ‘

Zack vows to take JB out again, sans Slater, and drag her to the sock hop for his acapella abomination. Slater suggests Zack will get bored of her like all the other girls, a truth Zack denies because he ‘s a liar. ‘

Belding, fresh off a male sensitivity seminar, wants the boys to get in touch with their inner feelings while he wears a bear. Fine. ‘

Zack grabs the talking stick to say this chews nut. Slater opens up about being betrayed. By a friend he trusted. Whoosh over Zack ‘s dull noggin. (Gee Slater who you talking about?, You you slimenball!) What he said. ‘

Zack still takes JB to make out point. But Slater is in his head, thank god, preventing Zack from destroying JB ‘s life two fingers at a time. Zack says he ‘s finally concerned with Slater ‘s feelings now that they ‘re obstructing his roadside erection. The date is over. JB ‘s lucky day. ‘

JB, with no clue of Zack ‘s horrific womanizing history, says Slater ruined everything with his well-placed concern. ‘

Zack ‘s wearing his most solemn jacket and treating JB like she doesn ‘t exist. Slater apologizes for interfering. JB has to make her own mistakes. Colossal as they may be. And he has to take Zack ‘s word that she ‘s special. ‘

Zack kisses the girl he ‘s been ignoring then does this. (2 seconds of music) He couldn ‘t get the choreography timing down? Amateur hour. Despite Zacks ‘s assurances JB isn ‘t like all the other girls, she certainly is. Because we never see her ever again. She got dumped by a tone def rhythmless skeez rag and probably fucking killed herself. ‘

Let ‘s review. ‘

Zack Morris, known sex criminal, set his lustful sights on his friend ‘s kid sister with no regard for Slater ‘s feelings. Then invited her to an enchanting evening of getting felt up next to her brother in a crowded theater. Then didn ‘t let Slater ‘s objections stop him until they blocked his blonde boner. Then he said he really liked her, when he really didn ‘t. He kicked her to the curb after he got what he wanted and never spoke of her again. Zack Morris is trash. ‘

Check out Funny Or Die ‘s official line of Zack Morris Is Trash merch here: ‘

Check out Saved by the Bell on NBC: ‘ ‘and official Saved by the Bell merch: ‘

Actor/ Writer/ Editor ‘Dashiell Driscoll

Intro Singer ‘Jason Flowers

Post Supervisor ‘Cody Pereira

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