By: Sloane Hughes
Last week the world was captivated by Ever Given, the cargo ship that became lodged in the Suez Canal, effectively halting 12% of the world ‘s trade for a full work week. This caused many people to say, “Hey, perhaps it ‘s not very good that a single waterway ‘s functionality can make or break a sizeable chunk of global trade. ‘
But then a much more important revelation was made, which was that Ever Given ‘s final course before getting stuck in the canal drew a giant dick and ass in the Red Sea.
There was never an official comment given by the crew or Evergreen Marine, the company to which the ship is registered, on why this impressively detailed course was charted, but that ‘s fine. We don ‘t need an answer, all that matters is that it happened.
The next updates in this ridiculous saga came from the Suez Canal Authority, which included a picture of the single excavator being used to try and dig this colossal ship out of the canal in superb Little Toaster That Could fashion, and a series of weird sizzle reels with intense music that answered exactly zero questions.
The Suez Canal Authority hasn ‘t gotten the ship unstuck yet but they did make this great sizzle reel of them not getting the ship unstuck set to what sounds like a royalty-free version of the Tenet soundtrack https://t.co/WEf27ekums pic.twitter.com/ZRTeO3m7yU
‘ Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) March 25, 2021
But early Monday morning, officials confirmed that the MS Ever Given, the sweetheart of the internet, has been freed.
There are many who I ‘m sure were elated at this news, however they are most certainly overnumbered by those who are absolutely not happy. Not happy at all. Why did we all come to love this boat so much? Why did looking at it continue to not move day after day bring us such a strange sense of joy and comfort? Is it because we saw ourselves in this boat, as we, too, have all felt stuck in one sense or another for the past year, with not but a single overwhelmed excavator? Who knows. All that ‘s for sure is the consensus now is, put the boat back.
put the boat back this fucking sucks put it back
‘ F. Thot Bitchgerald (@MyDadIsOld) March 29, 2021
some people aren't brave enough to stand by their convictions, but I'm going to say it: put the boat back now.
‘ ?ikhail Klimentov (@LeaderGrev) March 29, 2021
Nick Kroll teaches you how to steal someone’s phone so you can text money to charity. Or just text “stars” to 50555 from your own phone and help fight autism today.
A couple trying to make a home sex tape keep getting interrupted by their daughter… Come see the next Sketch Cram on Saturday, August 16th at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles! For details go here: http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/shows/1383