If Congress doesn’t reach a deal by this Friday, a “sequester” will take effect ‘cutting $85 billion from the federal budget instantaneously, with a total of $1.2 trillion over the next 10 years. “Scare-quester,” you say? Nay! I say, “Sequ-excellent!” Bring on the sequester in all its fiscally irresponsible glory! Here’s what I’m most excited about:
There’s a video cycling around (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpccpglnNf0) of goats yelling, and sounding just like people. THEY ARE NOT THE ONLY ANIMALS WHO DO THIS. Here’s rare video evidence of others:
Round and shiny; flat and rubbery; tactile, grooved and sumptuous. But enough about areolas. Buttons are all around us and meant to be pushed in order for a thing to occur. But even though we live in 2013 and most buttons are pretty good at, you know, doing the thing they’re supposed to do, we push some more than others. A lot. And it’s not helping. The worst offenders:
Statues of gold for all!
In an earlier, much smaller ceremony, The Academy handed out 30 additional awards. You won’t see these on television or read about them on the Oscar website. But they deserve to be honored just the same; if you see these WINNERS, give them an “Oscar” of your own (HJ).
The Twitter accounts of Burger King, Jeep, and Donald Trump were all hacked recently. Then came a whole bunch more, revealing a string of clues as to the identity of this Twitter mastermind.
This leaked memo to the head of 20th Century Fox details the “Lincoln” director’s master plan.
What’s that behind you? FEAR! Yes, fear. It’s all around us, especially right behind you. FEAR! If harnessed properly, it can be a powerful motivator. (For example: Something terrifying is behind you; run! FEAR!) But as it turns out, that’s easier said than done. The world is fraught with horrors so unimaginable and irrational that all you can do is cower in fear. REAL FEAR! Be very afraid of these gruesome nightmare scenarios that will probably happen to you based solely on flimsy anecdotal evidence.
With President’s Day just around the corner (that’s why you don’t have work Monday, as if you cared, CHAIRMAN MAO), it’s time to honor the backbone of our democracy: pictures of cute puppies on the Internet. Oh, and Presidents and stuff or whatever. Enjoy our tribute to the honorable lives of White House pooches past, present and ‘future?
Last night, President Barack Obama panicked and sent out a mass email to a few of his closest confidants, asking for a pep talk before his big speech. They replied almost instantaneously.