Oscar Picks From the Presidential Candidates

My favorite film of the year has to be The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I’m a big fan of the book and thought Fincher brought a gritty, post-punk sensibility to the film by interweaving a hard-edged psychosexual thriller with intimate scenes of anguish and moral despair. Nah, who am I kidding? I liked War Horse.

My pick for best film is Clint Eastwood’s deftly crafted biopic J. Edgar – because nobody does masculinity quite like Clint. What I like best about the film is the complete and total lack of homosexuality. Not a hint, whatsoever. Leo and that Winklevoss twin? Just a couple of very close, very handsome friends. With their piercing blue eyes and well-defined jaws and bulging muscles. So masculine and heterosexual. My only real complaint is that they left out the other Winklevoss – but you take what you can get.

God told me to vote for Rango. I didn’t understand some parts but I loved me that hilarious cartoon lizard and the crazy armadiller. Throw in some good old-fashioned Wild West gunslingin’ and you’ve got yourself a movie. Yee-haw!

The Artist was a compelling look at the silent movie era, which really spoke to me as a “historian.” I also appreciated the fact that the film was silent, as it allowed me to listen to myself talk instead.

I’m gonna have to go with Jason Reitman and Diablo Cody’s latest collaboration Young Adult. I found Charlize Theron’s unflinching portrayal of the former queen bee who is now completely out of the picture to be a very relatable one – particularly the scenes where she acts like a crazy bitch.

I don’t know … Moneyball was supposed to be pretty good, right? Does it have to be from this year? To be honest, I haven’t seen a movie since The Sound of Music. In fact, I don’t think there should even be an Oscars. Instead of leaving it up to the big Academy establishment, I propose the actors duke it out in a no-holds barred bareknuckle boxing match. Bloody lips, broken noses … you know, all that good stuff. Most teeth remaining wins. So, I guess either Moneyball or that.

I really connected with The Descendants, Alexander Payne’s emotionally grounded film about letting go of the past, dealing with compromise, and defending your Hawaiian heritage. But also, if I didn’t pick it, Clooney threatened to vote Republican.