How to Write the Perfect Valentine Card

Politics, it’s been said, is simply Hollywood for unattractive people. And as bad as Democrats look, Republicans, with their Herb Tarlek hair and suits, have always looked worse. Like way worse. But this year’s Republican primary has broken those rules. What the candidates may lack in political competency and credibility they almost make up for in aesthetics. Now, because there’s nothing more dubious than listening to an ostensibly straight male talk about the looks of other ostensibly straight males I’ve enlisted the analytic talents of an older female cousin, a gay brother, and a Republican ex-girlfriend to figure out who is best looking and consequently all but guaranteed to lose to the much better looking Barack Obama in 2012.