10 Things David Beckham Has Time to Do Now That He’s Retiring

1. Buy FIFA and Major League Soccer because might as well.

2. Learn to play guitar and join a band so he can meet some chicks.

3. Count how many articles used the headline “End it like Beckham” after his announcement.

4. Start a new religion, achieve God-level status, and then join a different religion. Repeat.

5. Get to know these “Victoria and the kids” people he keeps hearing about.

6. Practice his free-kicks.

7. Use Kickstarter to raise enough money to self-publish his collection of David Beckham graphic fan fiction.

8. Develop an alter-ego: Dave Wiggam, amateur cartoonist and rare stuffed animal collector.

9. Finally get around to watching Bend it Like Beckham.

10. Thank God a couple more times.