By: Alex Pearson
The Pitch Meeting for Every Beer Commercial Before Every Football Season
Johnson: Alright, boys. You smell that? It’s the faint aroma of sweet pigskin, because football season is just around the corner, and it's time for us to bring our ‘A’ game. So let’s hear the next great beer commercial. Who’s ready to wow me?
Peterson: Sir, if I may start. Picture this: A man is down on bended knee, and he’s proposing, joyful tears in his eyes.
Johnson: You have my attention ‘
Peterson: Pull back. He’s proposing to ‘ a bottle of our beer.
Johnson: Great job as always, Peterson. What else?
Anderson: A man divorces a woman, and it turns out he’s leaving her for ‘ a bottle of our beer.
Johnson: Top notch stuff, Anderson.
Stevenson: A man does not hire a qualified woman because he hires ‘ a bottle of our beer.
Johnson: Stevenson, you are a genius!
Thompson: A pregnant woman bets her husband a case of our beer that their child will be a girl. The man cheats by paying elite geneticists to secretly give his wife experimental treatment. The man is thrilled when the woman gives birth to a ‘ bottle of our beer.
Johnson: Thompson, men will tell stories of your talent and vision long after you die!
Henderson: A woman learns that in her dead husband’s will, he only left her ‘ a bottle of our beer. And he left everything else to ‘ a bottle of our beer
Jackson: At Christmas, a poor woman sells her hair to buy her husband ‘ a bottle of our beer. Ironically, the man trades his wife for ‘ a bottle of our beer.
Jefferson: A man wakes up in an alternate timeline, where everything is perfect and war and poverty have been eradicated. He finds an old newspaper from 1920, and in it, he reads that the nineteenth amendment only extended the right to vote to ‘ bottles of our beer.
Johnson: I bow before each of you, you three gods among men. Hey, new guy, let’s hear what you got.
Sonderson: Me? I don’t know. Mine is a bit different. So there’s this normal guy lost in the woods who happens upon a bottle of our beer lodged in a large stone. He pulls it out. A wizard appears and tells the man he is now the rightful king. The wizard takes the beer and walks away. Cut to: the actual wizard, stripped of his costume and tied to a tree. The ‘wizard” at the rock was just a guy impersonating the wizard to trick someone into freeing that beer stuck in a rock for him.
Johnson: You still have a lot to learn, kid.
Sonderson: You didn’t let me finish. Women are prohibited from becoming wizards in this kingdom.
Sonderson: And the queen is ‘ a bottle of our beer?
Johnson whispers something in Sondereson’s ear and leaves.
Jackson: What did he tell you?
Sonderson: His first name.
Jackson: It’s you. You are the chosen one.