By: News

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What To Expect From The Next Series Of WikiLeaks

Julian Assange announced that WikiLeaks is preparing a new series of leaks. Below is an exclusive look at this next batch of lid-blowing geopolitical secrets.

  • Ingredients of a Circus Peanut.
  • The location of the missing plane. No, not the missing plane you ‘re thinking of. You don ‘t even know about this one.
  • iPhone video of Julian Assange trying to take a selfie, then realizing he had it in camera mode.
  • Alternate ending to The Sopranos where Tony dies in his sleep the next night.
  • The actual oldest trick in the book.
  • A 1997 top-secret offer by the government to reveal the existence of extraterrestrials if Chris Carter would make Mulder and Scully kiss on The X-Files.
  • Drone footage of Sasquatch surfing the Banzai Pipeline.
  • The one perfect script for Ghostbusters 3 that would completely honor the franchise that the government was just going to keep in a vault forever because it would make American citizens so happy they ‘d stop going to work.
  • The entire trove of 27,000 documents leaked to ACN ‘s Neal Sampat that implicate a U.S. PR firm in starting riots in Kundu, Africa, that lead to the deaths of dozens around the time of the Boston bombing. [THIS IS A GREAT NEWSROOM JOKE! IF YOU DON ‘T GET IT, THAT ‘S YOUR FAULT, WILL McAVOY! AH, WHO AM I KIDDING? I KNOW NONE OF YOU WILL GET THIS BECAUSE NOBODY WATCHES NEWSROOM. I AM THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO WATCHES NEWSROOM SO I NEVER GET TO TALK ABOUT IT, SO I HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON ALL OF YOU WITH THESE REFERENCES HERE. I AM SO, SO SORRY.]
  • The real identities of all the people who were shot by JFK.
  • Web 3.0.
  • A screenshot of you reading this.

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