By: Funny Or High
Everyone sent high writer Zack Poitras the first half of a sentence, and it was his job to finish it. Here they are:
Please, before you do anything ‘ have fun out there, you beautiful son of a bitch. Give me a smooch. [SMOOCH!] Now get out there and win that god damn chess match!
I don ‘t like ‘ chocolate melted in my pockets.
Like I was saying yesterday ‘ Monday ‘s tomorrow, just like I said the day before that, that Monday ‘s in two days.
I can ‘t believe ‘ that octopus hasn ‘t dried up yet. It ‘s been out of the water for hours, driving that dang car.
Don ‘t get me started on ‘ Tom Brokaw.
The best thing about all these school shootings is ‘ I just got distracted by the two o ‘s in the words, ‘schools,” and ‘shootings.”
The three best sentences of all time are ‘ ‘I am Ishmael.”
I can remember ‘ this time I was trapped in a cardboard box on my driveway for six hours when I was 10. It was the summer. 90 degrees out. I could enter the box one way, close myself inside, and flip around the driveway by heaving myself into the sides of the box to flip myself forward. It was fun and one of my favorite hobbies.
One day I flipped the box ‘s exit side into a dip in the driveway. I could not flip out. The only way I could exit the box was by breaking the cardboard. But I didn ‘t want to damage this beautiful TV box. So I waited for my mom to come home. It got so hot I had to take my clothes off layer by layer, until I was naked. All I had was a glow-in-the-dark analog watch, sent as a gift from Time Magazine. I pretended I was in a submarine defusing a bomb.
Six hours later my mom comes home. She gets out of her car. I say ‘Mom?” She stops, walks toward the box (I can hear her heels), and says, ‘Zack?” I say, ‘Yeah. Can you help me get out of the box?” She says, ‘How long have you been in the box?” I say, ‘Six hours.”
She yells, ‘What!” and reaches for the box. I say, ‘Wait!” She says, ‘Why?” I say, ‘I ‘m naked.”
Every Wednesday afternoon ‘ is SOUP TIME!!!!!!!
Gary, ‘ I don ‘t see the problem. ‘Gray” can be spelled ‘G-R-E-Y,” and ‘G-R-A-Y,” so why can ‘t I spell it ‘Gery, ‘ Gary?
I ‘m in trouble ‘ with The Law ‘s brother, Michael.
I blame ‘the rows of mooning couples in the back.
My favorite food ‘ is a fistful of melty cheese.
Bungee cords ‘ are tangled up with all my extra shoelaces in the garage, out there.
The Godfather films were ‘ great. I haven ‘t seen Godfather III because I don ‘t think I need to.
Blues Traveler is back, and ‘ wait, where ‘d he go!? HE WAS JUST HERE. I SWEAR. I WAS HIRED TO ANNOUNCE THEIR RETURN. COME BACK, BLUES TRAVELER. YOU FUCKING COWARDS!!
Fourscore and seven ‘ deer and pig heads are in that fucking closet, Lisa, we need to leave right now.
Planets do this thing ‘ where they go in, it ‘s like a circle, you know, like, around the fucking sun, about once a year, I think? Fuck what ‘s it called.
The only thing I regret ‘ is bothering that horse that bit me. I deserved it.
It ‘s alright to look to the moon for ‘ answers about what to eat.
The worst kind of houses are the ones ‘ with huge holes everywhere and a demon inside.
What would I say to a bunch of water? I guess I would say ‘ Do you like being slurped up through a swirly straw?
I ‘m like an owl in that I am ‘ guilty of killing mice. I once had to put one out of its misery – it ‘s legs had been caught in a trap. I put it in a plastic bag, then put a napkin over the bag. I went out to my roof. I said, ‘I ‘m sorry, mouse,” and slammed a giant dictionary on top of it as hard as I could so it wouldn ‘t feel anything. I really wish I didn ‘t have to do that, but he was shitting all over the place.
Plants are cool because ‘ have you ever looked at a big, old tree? Holy shit. You can get any metaphor you want to out of a big tree.
(An analogy) Zack is to whispers as ‘ cats is to purring. I have ASMR and whispers feel NICE.
I would shave male-pattern baldness into my head if you give me ‘ a good enough reason.
All hail Kim Jong-Un. (the sentence ends there) OK.
For breakfast today we are having ‘ Forest boar with egg moss stew and hawkbreads.
Before you leave the house make sure you have your ‘ based on what I leftt with today, that would be keys, wallets, phone, glasses, pen, paper, book, little slinky, bouncy ball, first aid, loose change, old receipts, crumbs, used napkins, headphones, crumbled up pieces of paper, plastic bags, broken toothpicks, and kazoo.
The newest ‘ baby fox was just born as you read this sentence.
To be honest, I ‘ have never sailed around the Cape of Good Hope.
I ate some chocolate on my bicycle then ‘ puked it in the trash.
The best thing to do with a sack full of Bibles is ‘ respectfully shape them into a couch.
I spilled hot soup all over my ‘ twin.
My favorite thing to throw down a spiral staircase is ‘ myself – I fly down that shit like a dancer.
My favorite do-it-yourself cold remedy is ‘ a big cigarette as tall as it is wide.
Sandpaper never ‘ hurts twice.
The hardest I ‘ve ever laughed was ‘ when I ate a tortilla chip with two of my friends, Mike and Arthur. We agreed to eat the chip as slowly and purely as possible.
Don ‘t waste your tears on ‘ other people ‘s dog shit.
I ‘m not a racist but ‘ I am ready for a nap. What made you ask those two questions, back to back?
AND ANOTHER THING! I ACTUALLY HATE BUTTER. YYYYUCK!
Call the police and tell them ‘ that I ‘m going to have to move my mugshot appointment to tomorrow. I ‘m a little too high to come in today.
I ‘ve always thought the key to happiness is ‘ Unending Curiosity.