By: Ben Wietmarschen

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New Home Run Derby Rules

Major League Baseball announced new Home Run Derby rules for the upcoming All-Star Game being held at Cincinnati ‘s Great American Ballpark, a notoriously home run friendly stadium. The rule changes getting the most attention include a new head to head bracket system and timed rounds. But if you look at the fine print, there are some other significant rule changes that you might notice at the Midsummer Classic. Below is a comprehensive list of the new Home Run Derby rules.

-Batters must now use one bat in each hand for the first round.

-If the batter hits a home run or a foul ball out of the park he has to go get it and throw it back to the pitcher.

-There will be only one ball so if we lose it, game over.

-Batters have to close their eyes for 2 out of the 5 minutes per round (No peeking, you guys!).

-Priests, ministers, rabbis and other religious figures will be provided to bless bats for the half hour leading to first pitch.

-Only pussies are allowed to wear batting gloves. Are you a pussy? Then sure, go ahead and wear batting gloves.

-Batters are not allowed to kick the ball (Not sure why any batter would want to do this, but we noticed this has never been an official rule before and decided to put it into print).

-After each successful home run the hitter gets to run the bases (This will not count for any extra points but hitters agree, it ‘s really really fun).

-Normally it is customary for players to have their fathers to throw pitches to them but this year, in the event that the hitter ‘s father is not available to pitch to him because the hitter was a bad boy growing up and drove his father to leave his mother to live the life of a trucker man out on the open road, the hitter will have to sit the Derby out and think about what he did.

-Chris Berman ‘s microphone will be turned off and everyone has agreed to ignore him all night.

-If you hit a a fan who isn ‘t looking in the head it ‘s worth double points. If that fan is annoying the people around them by being loud and yelling ‘Back back back back ‘” over and over then it ‘s worth quadruple points. You win the Derby if that fan is Chris Berman.

-Ken Griffey Jr. gets to win if he wants to.

-Winner gets a kiss (the winner has always gotten a kiss of course, but this year the kiss will come from a leggy blonde instead of a busty brunette)

-Umpires will be located at all the bases and behind the plate despite them being completely unnecessary. We ‘re tired of them complaining that they don ‘t get to do any of the fun stuff.

-During the first round, a dozen giraffes will be penned up on the warning track wandering around and unconsciously blocking home runs with their upper necks and heads (Seems cruel but using dumb animals is the only way to make the result random and avoid controversy).

-A home run that sails over the right field stands and lands in the nearby Ohio River is worth nothing because it will be covered in garbage and filthy river germs.

-In the second round, batters may each choose one NBA player to hang out on the warning track and alley-oop over the fence any balls hit just short of the wall (AFTER the giraffes are herded off the field and secured in one of the bullpens, of course. Giraffe-filled bullpens will serve as a makeshift giraffe exclusive zoo for the remainder of the All Star festivities).

-Tight pants only!

-Fans will be encouraged to throw home runs back onto the field and try to hit home runs that are currently being hit into the stands. (Marks the first time fans can actively participate in a Home Run Derby!).

-In the third round each batter may choose an NFL receiver to start from home plate at the pitch and try to run the hit down and catch it on a fly and carry the ball over the wall (MLB encourages NFL receivers carrying balls over the wall to avoid bullpen/giraffe zoo located over the wall in right field. We ‘re assuming the giraffes will be irritable).

-Any home run hit shirtless is worth double. We ‘re looking at you, Todd Frazier 😉

-The winner ‘s trophy will be presented by President Barack Obama along with an automatic enlistment into the U.S. Army to serve as the ‘Head Batsman”. Do us proud over there, son. Hit a bunch of our enemies in the head with a bat. We now know you ‘re the best at it.

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