By: Jackie Jennings

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Dispatches From Shia LaBeouf’s Rattail

Guest columnist Shia LaBeouf ‘s sentient rattail

Dear fellow travelers,

It is I, Demetrius Alexandria LaBeouf, better known as actor Shia LaBeouf ‘s rattail. My consciousness is the result of a performance art piece gone horribly right. Singer/songwriter/peek-a-boo master Sia giggled into me during a lightening storm and, lo, I awoke with the ability to think and communicate.

I now spend my hours composing dispatches to various media outlets, vain cries not for help but for understanding. My time on this earth shall be brief and, though I am but a rattail, I have been imbued with the most human of desires: to know and be known.

And so I write to you, the internet, in a world beset by crisis from the shores of Mykonos to Washington D.C. I swing from the seat of madness and bring you my dispatches:

The fiscal crisis in Greece is most alarming. I have read the news over Shia ‘s shoulder as he folds the arts section into origami guns for his latest project. The actions of the greater European Union bear some frightening parallels to the treatment of Germany in the 20s. I pray for the world.

Jake Gyllenhaal is receiving rave reviews for his brief turn as Seymour in ‘Little Shop Of Horrors.” I should like to see this performance before I die. I am weary of Shia ‘s incessant, muttered renditions of Bitch Better Have My Money. I long for true culture.

– I suppose I must discuss the myriad dramas that beset Shia this week. He was rightly accused of plagiarizing lyrics while participating in a freestyle rap battle. He also was filmed screaming ‘America ‘ at Mount Rushmore. He is universally mocked and reviled yet has more money in his bank account than most grounded, hard-working Americans will earn in a lifetime. A nation looks to you, Mr. Sanders, for some fiscal common sense.

Chris Christie announced his run for President. As a close friend of Mr. Christie ‘s sentient New Jersey / American flag pin, I will will refrain from commenting.

Those are all my musings for the week. I hope you will share my thoughts. Thanks to the good people at this internet website for publishing my words.

Godspeed, fellow travelers.

Demetrius Alexandria LaBeouf

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