15 Indicators Your SSN Was Compromised In The Massive Government Data Breach

The Office of Personnel Management announced today that 21 million Social Security lnumbers were compromised as the result of a massive database breach. But how can you be sure if your personal information was jeopardized in the hack? Here are some indicators that you were a victim:

• You arrive to work to find a Nigerian man with your same name already sitting at your desk
• According to your credit card statement, you have suddenly developed an all-consuming penchant for prostitutes in Dubai
• You ‘ve been getting a lot of strange emails when usually no one contacts you about anything, ever
• The Feds have stopped monitoring you because now they ‘ve just totally lost the thread
• Someone ordered an XXXL ‘Keep Calm And Let Out Your Farts” T-shirt on eBay with your PayPal account when you only need an XXL
• Despite the fact that you are a dead person, there has been a significant uptick in your online activity in recent months
• You now get a lot of junk mail for someone who clearly owns a cat when you are ‘ and always will be ‘ a complete ferret freak
• When you Google your name, your SSN pops up as the third hit
• President Barack Obama called you, mumbled ‘sorry,” then hung up real quick
• A Chinese scrap-metal processing corporation now legally owns your home
• You only joined two-thirds the number of pay-porn sites you ‘re being billed for
• You meet another guy named ‘Jim”
• Someone applied for a passport in your name, and the culprit appears to be far more adventurous, well-traveled, and interesting than you are
• Your credit has vastly and inexplicably improved
• If you are an adult American who has ever been lawfully employed at any job, sorry ‘ your Social Security number was stolen