By: Kristy Lopez-Bernal
Donald Trump has recently dominated coverage of the 2016 presidential election after making inflammatory comments about undocumented Mexican immigrants and other campaign issues during his presidential campaign announcement speech and follow-up interviews. After making the comments, Trump received a call from Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, asking that he watch his tone as he continues his campaign for the presidency.
Why is Trump saying so many crazy things? The truth is revealed in this top-secret campaign strategy memo put out by Trump ‘s election team.
Dear ‘The Donald” 2016 White House Team,
Congrats, men! We have hit the JACKPOT! Just as we planned, our strategy to make The Donald sound as crazy as possible to garner media attention is working! The insanity that The Donald is spouting is getting us boatloads of press, booking us interviews left and right, and moving us up in the polls. CNN ‘s Paul Begala says the media is having a Trumpgasm. I ‘ve got a goal: let ‘s give everyone multiple Trumpgasms! The Donald ‘s going to ejaculate his cray-cray all over America!
If we continue to up The Donald ‘s brand of lunacy, there is literally no way The D will lose the 2016 presidential election. It ‘s foolproof! Only one problem. We ‘re running out of nutty things to say. The D has already said so many batshit things ‘ calling Mexicans ‘rapists” and ‘criminals,” reaffirming his belief that Obama was not born in the U.S., referring to HIllary Clinton as the ‘worst secretary of state” ever, etc., etc. ‘ that it ‘s getting hard to outdo ourselves. You all know what that means: time to brainstorm!
I ‘ll get the juices flowing! Here are some loony things we can get The Big D to do and say in the coming weeks to keep the focus on us:
- The Donald reveals that not only was Obama not born in the U.S., Obama wasn ‘t even born on this planet. Obama is an alien, and The Donald has the proof.
- The Donald will replace Obamacare with death panels that execute you if you are too poor and lazy to afford health insurance.
- The Donald announces his first presidency move ‘ go to Russia and punch Putin in the face to show Putin who ‘s boss.
- The Donald rides up and down escalators in a mall while having sex with Melania for 37 hours straight so everyone can see how awesome he is. No pee breaks.
- The Donald announces that he plans to preemptively firebomb France, just because ‘it stinks.”
- The Donald eats a bunch of tacos and vomits them onto his Mexican limo driver to prove he means business when it comes to Mexicans. Immediately after, The Donald passionately and forcibly kisses his Mexican limo driver to prove how much Mexicans love him.
- The Donald removes his toupee and finally shows us what ‘s under there. Yeah, it ‘s all on the table!
Look, there are rumors that the RNC may resort to using a tranquilizer gun to calm The Big D down, so let ‘s go fucking bananas before that happens. Have your suggestions to me by 9 a.m. Tuesday sharp, or you ‘re fired (The Big D ‘s words, not mine).
The Donald forever!
Corey R. Lewandowski
The Donald ‘s 2016 Presidential Campaign Manager