By: Ben Wietmarschen
Hello readers, babies, honeys, I love you all! I am professional sports photographer Filip Fletchens-Flousse and I shot the 4 recently released college football preview covers for Sports Illustrated. First of all, I hate sports and am jealous of athletes. I haven ‘t seen one game in the 20 years I ‘ve been shooting SI covers mainly because I ‘m bitter when it comes to how easy it is for football players to get laid.
Why do I keep shooting covers for a sports-centric magazine, then? Well for starters, all da dank groupies love a sporty boy with an artistic side. I may not like athletes but I ‘m happy to use them to get some of the sweet stuff (sex with women). I pick up a tanned blonde on the beach one day, take her to a photo shoot for sports the next day, by day three I ‘m eating New England clams off her lower back, if you know what I mean! The second and most important reason I do SI cover shoots is I like to jinx these turdball football ‘players” (If they were real players like me, they ‘d be eating clams off of women ‘s backs a few times a month AMIRIGHT?!).
The Sports Illustrated cover jinx dates back to the very first Sports Illustrated cover when Braves third baseman Eddie Mathews became the inaugural SI cover boy then immediately broke his hand. And the jinx has an endless history of working on the most celebrated athletes in sports history, so I use it to my advantage. I ‘m sick of all these jock(straps, hehe) getting the tannest toned honeys at the nightclubs, so I take their photos for the cover, jinx them, and then get all the club chicks to myself as they hang their heads in failure.
Here ‘s a look at the four cover photos and how exactly I got these players JINXED!
First we have the Ohio State babies from corn-town USA, or wherever Ohio St. University is. Look at the innocence, the simple smiles and hopeful eyes. I especially enjoyed jinxing the crap outta these doggies because they were just so cheerful. This world is a cold, combative place gentlemen, I ‘m sorry that I have to teach you that lesson by jinxing you to kingdom-come and stealing all those buckeye babes. My instruction to the Brutus Buckeye mascot was simple: ‘ponder what it ‘s gonna feel like to disappoint 100,000 fans as your team gets jiggly-jinxed into an opening Saturday loss to Virginia Tech. Behind the mask that man was crying. So rad.
And here are the Irish fighters from Notre Dame. I believe my specific directions to these fellows were ‘Look like you planned to have a five foot tall Leprechaun within punchin ‘ distance of your sack”. Now, Notre Dame is full of those big time Catholics so they 100% believe in jinxes which makes the jinx work like gangbusters every time. Some people think I ‘m a bitter old wannabe playboy for jinxing all of these young innocent student-athletes just so I can score with more babes, but you know what I say: all ‘s fair in love and (trying to) score!
This one was difficult because the darn Mississippi St. University officials insisted on getting that adorable Bully the Bulldog into the cover photo. This presented a two pronged problem: 1. Chicks dig dudes with dogs. 2. Especially, sad sack loser with dogs. It ‘s crazy, you give a sad pathetic loser a Playstation controller and gals won ‘t get within smelling distance of the goon, but you have him look sad while petting a rumpled up pooch like Bully and the chick-a-dees flock to the dweeb like he was Old Blue Eyes himself. I tried to counteract this by having the young man hold Bully as if he were squeezing the poor thing ‘s guts out. I succeeded and the jinx is ON in Starkville!
And finally, TCU gets the SI cover jinx treatment. This one was even tougher than Miss. St. because that Horned Frog mascot is an adonis. You don ‘t have to be a certified pick-up artist to know that the hottest male body part these days is CALVES. Women like a man ‘s calves to be bulging, beguiling, and bald as Ben (Kingsley). I mean, the calves on that frog even got me halfway there. So I did what any photographer looking to jinx their subject would do, I forced them into a back to back, arms folded and looking serious pose which is scientifically proven to be the most boring and hack way to pose for a photograph. Unless you ‘re a 13 year old at Six Flags, then it ‘s ironically the hottest.