Press Release From The Democratic People’s Republic Of Korea: Kim Jong-un’s Whereabouts

Following North Korean leader Kim Jong-un’s conspicuous absence from the public eye for over a month, rumors have been swirling, from reports that the dictator’s health is failing, to some analysts suggesting that he has fled an attempted coup. In response, the North Korean Government has released the following statement.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: DESPITE YOUR SLANDER, THE SUPREME LEADER KIM JONG-UN REMAINS THE GLORIOUS AND UNQUESTIONED LEADER OF THE D.P.R.K.

Pyongyang, North Korea, October 10th 2014 ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea demands that the disgusting Western media, mouthpiece of the corrupt and lying American government, immediately cease the slanderous rumors that our Glorious Leader Kim Jong-un has been deposed, or that he has become too ill from eating large quantities of rich food to remain the unrivaled sovereign of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

These allegations are beyond preposterous. Could one depose a mighty typhoon? Could a virile, powerful, erupting volcano become ill from consuming too much cheese? Although it is beneath the dignity of the Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, let the untruths that sully his perfect name be forever dispelled:

• The Glorious Leader has NOT had almost continuous and painful diarrhea for the past 23 months.
• The Glorious Leader did NOT sleep-eat five glazed hams in a single night.
• The Glorious Leader’s sister Kim Yo-jong is NOT currently leading the Democratic People’s Republic, and she does NOT now refer to the Glorious Leader as ‘Stupid Piggy Boy” to his face.
• The Glorious Leader can quite easily bench-press 390 lbs. instead of the previously reported amount of ‘has never exercised.”
• The Glorious Leader does NOT order one of his elite guards to blow ‘raspberries” on his belly every morning before he dresses because he ‘likes the way it tickles.”
• The Glorious Leader did NOT trip and get his bottom stuck in a bucket of ranch dressing, despite the photos circulating on the internet. These images are cheap, disgusting forgeries, extremely high-quality and flawless though they may be.
• The Glorious Leader also did NOT fall down a flight of stairs while struggling to free himself from the bucket of ranch dressing, and he did NOT then suffer an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea upon coming to rest at the foot of the steps.
• The Glorious Leader CAN proficiently play on the electric guitar the hits of Eric Clapton while singlehandedly defeating an entire American battalion in hand-to-hand combat.

Do not again mention anything pertaining to these rumors, or you shall summon the wrath of the invincible military of the world’s most powerful general, who is absolutely NOT hiding in a cave eating ice cream right now.

You have been warned.