By: Dashiell Driscoll

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The Time Zack Morris Was An Egomaniacal Rock Star

The Forum is packed! Casey Kasem interviews Zack Morris backstage about rock stardom. Zack ‘s thrilled to be skipping school with a never-ending supply of young women to take advantage of. The rest of the gang is in the band, too. (Friends forever!) Yeah, we ‘ll see. ‘

Now back to where it all started for some reason. (We ‘ll be friends forev ‘) That ‘s enough of that. The band sounds fine, despite Zack. And Casey Kasem ‘s in the garage too? Sure. Why not. ‘

Brian Fate, a record producer who certainly exists, was jogging by and heard their song. He wants to sign them! Brian ‘s other teen band recently broke up as show business destroyed their friendship and lives. Zack sees no issue trusting this sweaty garage invader. ‘

(Thought we ‘d always be togeth ‘) No thanks. The rest of the band carries Zack who brings nothing to the table except an unwavering commitment to be sub-average. ‘

When they get studio time any group would kill for, Zack ‘s distracted by the first lady he sees. ‘

The band ‘s named “Zack Attack ‘ because Zack is an egomaniac who is also bad at band names. Their publicist Mindy says they sold five million copies of their horse balls melodies. But are they still friends? (yes friends first nothing ever between us) Yeah, we ‘ll see. Zack hits on Mindy in front of everyone while she ‘s at work. ‘

Michael Jorckson and Madoona award Zack Attack some award. Everyone makes heartfelt speeches thanking friends and family. Zack uses this time to creep on Mindy and )thank… (Everyone for listening to my music. I mean our music) Smooth. ‘

Lisa designed new costumes for the group! Mindy got a real designer to handle wardrobe. Zack bails on his childhood friend for a woman he met at breakfast. Mindy tells Zack he ‘s a star who won ‘t need those losers soon. Zack wonders how soon. ‘

Zack distributes a song he co-wrote with Mindy. The band ‘s confused. Mindy isn ‘t a member or a write? Kelly, Slater and Screech wrote a song. Maybe let ‘s try that? Mindy farts about it. ‘

They do their song. It has potential! Zack scoffs with Mindy then tells them to get with the program. ‘

Despite being disrespected, the band does their best effort to polish the musical turd they ‘ve been handed. As the press reports on a growing divide, Zack furiously demands to know who ‘s been using their first amendment rights to tell the truth. Then has the nerve to say this to the saints who tolerate his daily mission to waste oxygen. (She ‘s the best thing that ‘s ever happened to me.) ‘

Brian urges them to pause and go play their biggest concert ever in five minutes, but Zack keeps picking at this open wound then shamelessly asks for validation that he ‘s a good person. (You ‘ve changed, Zack. She ‘s right) She ‘s wrong, he ‘s always been a dicksicle. ‘

Zack reflects on his trusted friends presenting a harsh reality. For half a second. Then abandons them at showtime and says they ‘ll fail without him. ‘

Mindy does make Zack a star. A cartoon dancing monkey doofus of a star. (You couldn ‘t even hear a word I sang) Sounds like an improvement. ‘

Zack hears Slater, now a racecar driver, was hospitalized! Zack suddenly decides he ‘s ready to be a friend again if it means he can quit another job. ‘

Zack marches into Slater ‘s hospital room in sunglasses, a sequined blazer, and zero shirt to say he ‘s no longer a man who makes bad choices. Zack phones in an apology nobody buys, leaving Screech to rebuild his burnt bridges. ‘

There ‘s a shameless money grab reunion tour. The final page of Zack ‘s scumbag musician playbook. The concert is fine. Or it would be if it ever happened. This whole thing was just a dream in Zack ‘s bland blonde brain. So even in his wildest fantasies he ‘s a miserable failure who ruins the lives of those closest to him. ‘

Let ‘s review. ‘

Zack Morris put his friendship in the hands of a man who says he destroys friendships. Then named their band after an STD you get on Spring Break and sexually harassed his publicist into a relationship. And took all the credit for their success before turning his back on his closest allies for a pair of butt cheeks. After he couldn ‘t bully them into silence, Zack deserted his friends when they needed him most. And couldn ‘t stick the landing on his embarrassing solo career. And couldn ‘t even take the time to put a shirt on for his apology. Plus he made us sit through a fucking dream episode? Unforgivable. Zack Morris is trash. ‘

Check out Funny Or Die ‘s official line of Zack Morris Is Trash merch here: ‘

Check out Saved by the Bell on NBC: ‘ ‘and official Saved by the Bell merch: ‘

Actor/ Writer/ Editor ‘Dashiell Driscoll

Intro Singer ‘Jason Flowers

Post Supervisor ‘Cody Pereira

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