The Definitive Hoarders’ Guide to Christmas Music

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Are you a hoarder who’s often unsure of which holiday songs to listen to while you prep your biohazard home for a Yuletide celebration? Yes? You are?! Then wipe that roll of pennies and empty WD-40 can off your track pad and get to readin’ because we’ve got the guide for you. No longer will you need to wonder whether “Feliz Navidad” is a crawling through dirty diapers to find your iceberg-lettuce-garland kind of tune. (It’s not, but “All I Want For Christmas Is You” IS!)

If These Celebrities Were Santa, Here Is What I Would Want For Christmas

, Hours

One of these days Santa’s gonna start outsourcing. I’d say he already has, if my Christmas gifts last year were any indication. (Everything I got was almost definitely from my parents and close friends and family.) Who knows who will be making his runs this year? To cover my bases, I made wish lists for some likely substitutes.

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