11 Types of Rave Injuries Suffered at the Russian Open Air Festival

Kirzach, Russia – Dozens of ravers are currently suffering from partial vision loss attributed to laser-blindness after a laser light show went awry at the Aquamarine Open Air Festival in Kirzhach on Monday. Below, eleven other types of injuries newly reported at the Russian rave.

1. Over 100 cases of irreparably damaged dignity from freestyle dancing.

2. 17 female party-goers duped into making out with older guy claiming to be Harmony Korine.

3. 24 cases of neck cramps from rave-goers sporting top-heavy Cat in the Hat- style hats.

4. 14 teens left to chill in chillout room chilled out to chillingly dangerous levels.

5. 15 people received paper cuts to their fingertips while passing out flyers to other raves.

6. Several cases of broken or twisted ankles were reported by people who fell into ‘K-holes.
7. 14 cases of carpal tunnel from glow stick twirling.

8. DJ accidentally played The Smiths' “Panic,” causing a group of tweaked out ravers to literally hang him.

9. A passenger flight full of 284 people narrowly avoided crashing when their pilot thought the rave was his landing strip.

10. Everyone under 5'2″ tall drowned in sweat.

11. 3 poetry grad students from St. Petersberg were beaten when they arrived to what they thought was a Raven festival.