By: The Occasional

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Superman’s Worst Enemy


Superman swoops in and saves Lois as she falls from a helicopter, lowering her from the skies. She holds on tight, staring into his eyes.

SUPERMAN: I’ve got you.

LOIS: But who’s got you?

Superman smiles as he lowers her to safety. She leans in to kiss Superman, who’s unsure if he should engage in such human-like contact. Finally, our hero gives in to temptation. They kiss passionately, Superman’s hand placed gently on her lower back. The staff of the Daily Planet runs up to them as the two finish locking lips.

JIMMY OLSEN: Superman, you saved the day!

SUPERMAN: All in a day’s work, Jimmy.

JIMMY OLSEN: Aw, shucks. You’re the best Superman ‘ Wait. What’s that in your underwear? Pointing at me?

SUPERMAN: Oh it’s nothing. Just the angle you’re looking at my very complicated Kryptonian suit.

JIMMY OLSEN: Is that an erection, Superman?

SUPERMAN: Nope, like I said, it’s from Krypton.

Perry White reaches out to shake Superman’s hand

PERRY WHITE: Superman, our hats are off to you once again and… WHOA! What’s that in your pants?

SUPERMAN: Perry, it’s not what you think. That piece of slime Lex Luthor has implanted a stick of kryptonite ‘

PERRY WHITE: Nope, I know an erection when I see one. Our reporter Clark Kent has one every day when he talks to Lois. Lois, what does this look like to you?

LOIS: That’s an erection, chief.


LOIS: [realizing] Just like Clark’s!

SUPERMAN: I really must be going. General Zod is trying to bomb the Eiffel Tower.

LOIS: Wait a minute. Have you ever noticed that when Superman has an erection, Clark’s nowhere to be found?

SUPERMAN: Lois, you and your theories.

LOIS: I think I’m on to something. Where is Clark right now?

PERRY WHITE: Probably jackin’ off somewhere. That’s where he’s always disappearing to. I once saw him undress in a phone booth. Probably just to jack off in there.

SUPERMAN: Now wait a minute, Mr. White. Maybe he had another reason to go into that phone booth. Did you stick around and see what happened after he started taking off his shirt?

PERRY WHITE: I’m not some sort of pervert, Superman. Maybe you and your boner buddies on Krypton sit around and watch people jack off.

SUPERMAN: Everyone on Krypton died thousands of years ago.

Everyone stands awkwardly. Superman still has his erection.

SUPERMAN: It usually takes a couple minutes.

Originally appeared on The Occasional

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