By: Funny Or Die UIowa
Classifieds: Job Openings at Vulture Industries
We are a lucrative business looking for motivated individuals who could become an asset to our already established company. When we are not polluting lakes or choosing America ‘s politicians, we are doing work. When we first came about,our goal was to make the world a better place. Although once we realized there was no money in that, we decided to treat our global resources like a giant game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. After an impressive winning streak with this fun and lucrative game, we are ready for our company to expand to more endeavors.
We are creating a new branch that will franchise and privatize fresh air. Last year we cornered the market by privatizing fresh water, and we quickly reaped the benefits. From owning mostof the world ‘s fresh water, Vulture Industries had record-breaking profits last year. To celebrate our company ‘s achievements, we opened five hundred thousand water parks across the world and had a giant pool party. All the parks used fresh water, but we put chemicals in the water to stop people from peeing in the pool. We would like to replicate this success with our new venture into fresh air, because our company loves money and parties.
Due to the toxins that our company, and many companies like us, put into the atmosphere, fresh air is becoming harder and harder to access. From the pollution, many people experience horrible healthproblems like runny noses, headaches, all the cancers, and erectile dysfunction. Although after much research and multiple case studies, it has been concluded that our toxins do not cause erectile dysfunction. We would like to make fresh air extremely unaffordable and very privileged based. A commodity that is only accessible to the rich, elite of the world. When people think of air, which they won ‘t be able to because of the lack of oxygen to their brains,we want them to think classy and high end.
In order to reshape the way people view air, we need a new crack team on the case. Vulture Industries is looking for people to fill the following positions, head of the fresh air branch of our company, three entry-level jobs, and a fall guy. What we are looking for in a new head of fresh air, is someone who has little to no morals. We ask you to send in your resume, a cover letter, and three examples of horrible things youhave done against humanity. And when it comes to the horrible things, the darker the better. What we want is a guy who can look you in the eye and lie to your face. Basically we are looking for someone who would be willing to commit perjury at least 5 times a year.
As for the three entry-level jobs we are offering, we are looking for young people with extensive experience. Even though the job is entry-level, we want someone who has as much work experience as our senior partners do. We understand the job market is tough and in order to get a job you need experience, which is why we also offer an unpaid internship. This unpaid internship entails you being cooped up in a hot office,doing boring but tasking work, and pretty much doing our bidding. Basically,you are simply glorified slaves to our company. But hey, did the slaves back in the day get a cool drawstring bag that says ‘Vulture Industries Rulez”? We don ‘t think so. If by some miracle you actually fulfill our ridiculous criteria for a measly entry-level job, your job security is very low. Vulture Industries is already looking for cheaper, illegal workers across the world. So even if you do get the job, you will probably not have it for long.
The last job opening we have at Vulture Industries is the title of the Fall Guy. When our company gets in trouble with the law, which we do quite often, we need a scapegoat that will take all the heat for us. You will most likely be doing hard time at some point, but before you do, you will be paid very graciously. We understand that you are an important asset to our company, which is why we will provide you with full medical benefits. This is a perk we do not give to any other employees, so consider yourself very lucky. Our suggestion for anyone who ends up taking this job is to get as many medical check-ups as quickly as possible, for we expect you are going to jail sooner than later. Experience is necessary.
At Vulture Industries we take pride in not caring about our workers, the environment, or humanity as a whole. We have found it is way cheaper to not follow rules and regulations, which is why we take pride in polluting the world. Whenever we inhale the horrible toxins that our company puts out, we smile because we know we are making that much more money. Many folks come up to us and ask, ‘How do you sleep at night?” To which we reply, ‘Peacefully on our beds of soft, comfy panda fur.”
Now if you are interested in joining our team of amoral people, please send your resume to the Head of our Human Resources, Satan. He can be contacted by his email YouCanThankMeForEverythingHorrible69@hotmail.com. We look forward to not responding to your email! Thank you, and go fuck yourself!
Written by Alex Ghere from the University of Iowa and selected for the Floodwater Comedy Festival Comedy Writing Showcase.