By: Matt Dwyer
6 Ways Republicans Could Change To Appeal To Millennials
Recently the Washington Post reported that Millennials view the GOP as old-fashioned, homophobic and bigoted. This poses a concern for Republicans since Millennials will make up the largest voting demographic. To address these concerns, the GOP wrote the following open letter.
Dear Millennials,
We are fully aware the majority of the Republican Party is made up of seventy-year-old white dudes who only interact with people of color when they ask one of them to whip up some dinner or launder a shirt. We ‘re sorry about that mostly because we didn ‘t see the changing tides and never expected white people or our values to be inching their way towards the minority. Regardless, we wish to alter our image and as quickly as possible.
This is why we are writing to you. We need your input on how to be cool again. Not that we have been cool for decades. We peaked with Lincoln and since then it ‘s been a toboggan ride down Shit Mountain. Our research team has informed us about some of the things you are into, such as the environment, gay rights, craft beer, and twirly mustaches. Did you know one of the greatest Republican Presidents, William Taft, had quite the mustache? I ‘d say that puts us ahead of the trend by one hundred years!
See, we aren ‘t so square!
Below is a quick list of things we will implement to give us the appearance of being more Millennial Friendly:
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Whenever Jeb Bush takes the stage for a speech he will come out to the music of Ty Segall. We don ‘t know who he is or like his music but he seems real cool with you guys.
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Scott Walker will start wearing a Cypress Hill hat. We are fully aware that they haven ‘t been around for twenty years, but we need to move slowly with some of this.
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We will no longer wear socks with dress shoes. One of our researchers saw a character sporting this look in an episode of ‘Girls.” To be honest that show terrifies us. Women in control of their bodies? We love fiction as much as the next guy, but come on!
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We will start all press conferences with, ‘Yo, what up broh?” This will be said with irony for we read in Time Magazine your generation is very into ironic statements.
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What if Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio make out at the Republican convention while high on ‘Molly,” a drug we have heard you kids like these days? Would you like that? Maybe even a little bit of crotch grinding? Let it be noted that this would be an act of interracial homosexuality, thus reversing two of the negative perceptions you have about us in a single act. Pretty neato, huh?
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Let ‘s talk about this whole environment thing. Can you do us a solid and actually overlook this one? Relationships are about compromise and we can ‘t change everything overnight. Would that we could, but we get a lot of money from Big Oil to side with them about global warming. Maybe start your own Millennials For The Environment Super PAC or something and then we can talk.
Now that we ‘ve been open to some of the things you kids think are cool,we ‘d like to suggest a few things for you youngsters to take a chill pill about:
- Abortion
- The Death Penalty
- Harking back to the status quo values of the 1950s are normal
- War
- Spouting off about how the working class are lazy
- Being white
- Blaming the poor for being poor
- Using the word ‘liberal” as an insult
- Pretending John Boehner ‘s orange hue is normal
We know that the list of things we ‘re asking for is bigger than the list that we ‘re conceding, but like ‘maybe some of the benefits we get out of this relationship will trickle down to you all!
See you at the voting booths!
Sincerely,
All The Republicans
