By: Clara Morris
This past weekend British cyclist Chris Froome won the Tour de France. Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong showed his humility and sent Froome a letter of congratulations.
I just wanted to say, from one Tour de France winner to another, congrats!!
(And while some people may say I ‘m not a Tour de France winner because my titles were stripped, others say I ‘m a seven-time winner. So from a seven-time winner, congrats!)
I wasn ‘t even gonna email you at first, but then I saw all that press that said you were doping, and I got PUMPED!!!
It ‘d be so so awesome if you were doping. And not just to take some of the negative attention off me, but like, it ‘d be cool to have someone to talk to about your titles getting stripped. And about how awesome doping feels!!
Nobody ever wants to talk about that part. But man, it makes you feel SO STRONG. Sometimes I ‘d pretend I was a new X-Men who wasn ‘t born with a mutation, but who they made. You know, like Wolverine. Only better.
But try talking about that to non-doping cyclists! They just don ‘t get it and call you a disgrace.
Oh my god, I just thought of something ‘ if you ‘re doping, we should race each other! Or do a pushup contest! I can do 5,000 pushups in a minute, how bout you?
Hey, should I be using a code-word for doping? How about we call it ‘eating spinach?” Like Popeye! I mean, that ‘s kind of what it feels like and also nobody ever gets mad at Popeye even though he was basically doping! But if you point out the parallels everyone acts like you ‘re the jerk.
And just a heads up, if you were ‘eating spinach,” sales of your book are going to plummet and nobody wants to publish your new book, If I ‘m a Cheater then So Is Superman, the Alien.
Anyway, congrats! And if you ever want to hang out or go for a bike ride, hit me up. Also hit me up if you want to ‘eat spinach” together.
Seven-Time Tour De France Winner