By: Jon Bershad
Jeez, I am really in a bind.
If you haven ‘t heard, a gun-store in Florida is selling a painting of a Confederate flag done by George Zimmerman. The store owner is guessing that it might sell for upwards of $100,000.
I ‘m thinking of buying the painting. However, I ‘m also thinking it might be easier to just write ‘I ‘M A HUGE ASSHOLE” in Sharpie across my forehead. I think they ‘ll both basically have the same effect in terms of the message I ‘m conveying to others, and I just really can ‘t decide.
Obviously, I really want people to know that I ‘m a huge fucking asshole. I mean, why else would I spend money on a piece of art made by someone whose only claim to fame is the shooting death of an unarmed teenager? Anyone who saw said painting hanging in my house would instantly get the message that I have the personality and character of a gaping rectum. Still, $100,000 is a lot of money. And most Sharpie markers sell for only a couple bucks.
So it seems like I should just go for the forehead message. But there ‘s more! The money from the painting ‘s sale doesn ‘t just go to George Zimmerman. It also goes to help pay for the legal fees of the store owner who ‘s being sued for banning Muslims from his store. Giving money to that incredible douche would immediately solidify my standing as a shit-filled human orifice. However, some people who see the painting might not know its backstory, so they ‘d think I ‘m just supporting one gun-toting racist instead of two. Meanwhile, no one can miss any of the nuance of a Sharpie message on my forehead.
Darn! This is such a hard choice! I really, really need every person I meet to be aware that I am as filled with hate as a diseased anus is filled with poop. A painting of a symbol representing the ugliest period in American history done so poorly that it seems to have been produced by a child rather than a grown man who murdered a child seems like a great way to do this. But it might be a little too on the nose. Writing ‘I ‘M A HUGE ASSHOLE” on my face is a little more subtle.
Ugh. I ‘m so bad at decisions (and also everything else in life since I ‘m a huge asshole).
You know what? I think I won ‘t do either. Instead of buying the painting or the marker, I ‘m just going to cover myself in human excrement and run through the streets shouting to everyone that I am a monster unworthy of love. That ‘ll be free.
And it ‘ll get the same message across as buying a painting by the living symbol of violent disregard for humanity that is George Zimmerman.