By: Keaton Patti
Millions of people have downloaded FaceApp, the app I designed that lets you upload an image of your face and see how you would look if you were younger, or older, less ugly, or a different gender. It ‘s just a fun, harmless app, isn ‘t it? Surely nothing bad could come of it, yeah? I ‘m not an evil genius who did all of this to get access to millions of people ‘s faces so I could then fuck around with them, right?
WRONG, WRONG, AND TRIPLY WRONG!
Your faces are mine now, suckers! Here ‘s what I ‘m gonna do with them:
–Sell them to mask makers: Your enemies will buy them and go as you for Halloween and do all the stupid things you do and people will laugh and go, ‘Oh man, Trent does always do that! I ‘m not going to be his friend anymore thanks to that mask. ‘ Deal with it, Trent.
–Upload them all to www.IvotedforTrumpandwillagain.com: GoDaddy ‘s CEO, an avid FaceApp user, said he ‘d give me the domain for free if I ‘d delete his face from my files. I told him to PUNCH HIMSELF IN THE DICK and paid double the normal price just for fun! I ‘M INSANE!!!
–Film stupid vlogs, but Photoshop your faces onto mine: I ‘m gonna make thousands of terrible vlogs where I talk about things like ‘Why am I still single? ‘ and ‘Smash Mouth and the Beatles are equally good ‘ and ‘Everyone should download and use FaceApp, ‘ but I ‘m going to do them in all of your faces. Have fun at your next job interview when the interviewer says, ‘I was gonna hire you, but then I realized you have the face of that person that does all of those stupid vlogs I ‘ve seen. Your voice is different, sure, but the face is the same and that ‘s all that matters. I do agree with you about Smash Mouth, though. ‘
–Print them onto urinal cakes so people can piss on them: I ‘m sending a bunch to R. Kelly ‘s house free of charge.
–Create Tinder profiles pretending to be you: You probably think I ‘ll chat like an asshole to people to make you look bad? WRONG! I ‘m gonna be the sweetest, nicest, and most charming person you could never be and make everyone fall in love with ‘you. ‘ I ‘ll arrange to meet your matches in person at some fancy restaurant and then stand them up. They ‘ll never forgive you for that, and in the off chance you ever happen to run into that person, they ‘ll probably throw a coffee in your face or something and you ‘ll have no idea what ‘s going on.
–Pick one face at random and have Kim Jon-un get plastic surgery to make his face look like that: From then on, whenever North Korea does something stupid or terrible, you ‘ll be the face of that. Kim owes me one (I run his Instagram), so he ‘ll do this for me.
–Print them and kiss them passionately: And there ‘s nothing you can do about it!
Mwahahahaahaha!!! Your faces are mine forever and I will use them for evil!
Oh, and please give FaceApp 5 stars in the App Store. It really helps.