By: Sloane Hughes
The two sentiments being echoed around the world during this coronavirus pandemic are 1. Wash your fucking hands, and 2. Stay the fuck inside. While we here at Funny Or Die have been hammering the latter over your heads, (and will continue to do so, seriously, stay home) we ‘ve been a little light on the former.
The CDC-approved method is washing your hands for a full 20 seconds, or the amount of time it takes to sing “Happy Birthday ‘ twice. Considering “Happy Birthday ‘ is the worst song man has ever created, I personally think telling people to sing it twice while they wash their hands is a little counterproductive to the cause.
Luckily, there is an alternative!
Few people achieve the level of celebrity and impact across multiple generations as Neil Diamond, and now, the iconic singer has a musical message for all of us about COVID-19. Sitting in front of a roaring fire, holding an acoustic guitar, and accompanied by a Labrador retriever, (in other words, the only way I ‘ve ever imagined Neil Diamond) he reminded everyone to stay safe by singing his classic “Sweet Caroline ‘ with a change in the lyrics.
Hands… washing hands…
Don ‘t touch me… I won ‘t touch yooooouuuuuuu
As well as being a complete friggin ‘ delight, I timed the song ‘ both “Sweeeeeeet Caroliiiiiiine, (bah bah bah) good tiiiiiimes never seemed so goooooood ‘ AND “Haaaaaaands… touching haaands… reaching ouuuuut… touching meeee… touching yooooouuuu ‘ are 20 seconds long when you sing it if you hold all the notes, and if you ‘re singing Neil Diamond, obviously you have to hold those notes.