By: Funny Or Die
Not really sure how to intro this. Let's just get down to brass tacks. A perfectly sane man named Jonathan Lee Riches has filed a lawsuit. It appears he also goes by “Bernard Madoff” as well as “Faisal Shahzad.” Obviously.
He's also made some amazing claims regarding some notable people including Mark Cuban, Carmelo Anthony, and Nolan Ryan. While many may question his sanity, there should be no dispute regarding his knowledge of sports. I mean, it's understandable — the guy's been to Barry Bonds' house, aka the place where Dwyane Wade and Carmelo Anthony had “homosexual sex shooting steroids.” Duh.
Transcription below. Carmelo Anthony has a lot of explaining to do.
The High Definite has gone through the trouble of transcribing this gem. Enjoy:
“Carmelo Anthony told me he is going to kill me. ‘ I’m writing a tell all book on Anthony. ‘ I was his former guy friend and we were in a sexual relationship in 2000. ‘ We met at a Baltimore YMCA. I commited identity theft to finance his basketball career. ‘ I used stolen credit cards to get him GNC vitamins and Enimas to flush out his toxins. ‘ My fraud money from eBay fraud and Western Union credit card fraud paid for Carmelo Anthony to go to Syracuse. ‘ Anthony melt my popcicle. ‘ Anthony gave me a std in 2001. ‘ Carmelo Anthony worked as a undercover narcotic cop in Baltimore and was snitchin. ‘ I told Anthony to stop snitch. ‘ Anthony confessed to being a tattle tail. ‘ I saw Carmelo Anthony bet on Denver Nuggets games with former NBA ref Tim Donaghy. ‘ Carmelo Anthony cheated on his wife LALA with Dwayne Wades ex-wife who gave Anthony fellatio in I-95 traffic. ‘ I’m having a pen pal relationship with Anthony’s wife who confessed she likes white guys. ‘ Anthony wrote me a letter at the Federal Medical Center in Lexington telling me “Riches, your dead cracker”. ‘ I have a picture of Carmelo Anthony and Dwanye Wade snorting cocaine on Kate Moss’ lap and another photo of them having homosexual sex shooting steroids into each other at Barry Bonds’ house. ‘ Now they want to murder me. ‘ Mark Cuban stole my credit cards and tried to buy the Texas Rangers with my money. ‘ Mark Cuban assaulted me serving ice cream at Dairy Queen. ‘ Nolan Ryan threw 100 mph fastballs at my head and he and Robin Ventura beat me up at the Church of Jesus Christ. ‘ Jerry Buss accused me of raping him and Kobe Bryant in Boulder at Jon Benet Ramsey’s house. ‘ Jerry Buss sold me Jeanie Buss on eBay and I was promised a Lakers janitor job when I get out of prison for less than min. wage. ‘ Reinsdorf solicted sex from me on eHarmony.com and Reinsdorf assaulted me courtside next to Jack Nicholson. ‘ I feel threated, intimidated by Defendants. ‘ When I listen to ESPN radio I get goosebumps and shivers because of the four defendants caused me. ‘ I want to be left alone and I want David Stern to suspend Carmelo Anthony for assaulting me, a fan. ‘ I pray this court for relief.”
Your move, David Stern.
(via Dallas Observer)