54 Things You MUST Do This Fall

Fall is here! Now is the perfect time to:

• Go on a hayride
• Sleep with a warm blanket on you
• Give a business presentation with a warm blanket on you
• Get lost in a corn maze
• Get out of a corn maze with nothing but a pocket knife and your wits
• Finally take out your air conditioner
• Dress up your kids for trick-or-treating
• Dress up your kids and make them take out your air conditioner
• Drink some hot apple cider
• Fuck like there's no tomorrow (for summer has passed, as all things must)
• Go apple picking
• Go apple-dicking (where you stick your dick into an apple)
• Put on a comfy sweater
• Put on a Cosby sweater
• Look at the beautiful fall foliage
• Take a chainsaw and cut down any trees without beautiful foliage
• Do a “ghost tour” of your town
• Do a leprechaun and unicorn tour of your town because hey, if you believe ghosts are real, might as well go whole-hog
• Eat some pumpkin bread
• Eat only pumpkin bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner
• Stop exercising
• Drink nothing but pumpkin spice lattes
• Put on 40 lbs.
• Start smoking to lose weight (also a great reason to sneak outside for a peek at the foliage)
• Watch a lot of football
• Play a lot of football
• Get really good at football and be drafted by the NFL
• Kill someone
• Get away with it
• Come back, win a couple of Super Bowls and retire with your reputation intact (winners are always forgiven)
• Eat a candy apple to celebrate
• Remember that you don't have dental insurance since leaving the NFL
• Freak out because you think you might have a cavity
• Kill someone else
• Go for a drive in the country
• Spot a scarecrow
• Think about that movie The Crow and how it wasn't really scary
• Remember you just murdered someone
• Sip a hot apple cider while letting that sink in
• Spot a farmhouse with an apple pie cooling on the windowsill
• Think about what quaint fun it would be to nab that pie from the windowsill like Huck Finn
• Get caught by the farmer
• Panic and murder him
• Eat the whole pie
• Think about the fact that you've murdered three people now and wonder if that technically makes you a serial killer
• Think about how a football-playing serial killer is a pretty cool idea for a movie
• Sell the idea to Hollywood
• Make millions and once again clear your good name (rich entertainers are always forgiven)
• Watch as the following year, all the trick-or-treaters are dressed as your football-playing horror movie character “Helmethead”
• Get a call telling you there are script problems with Helmethead 2 and Devon Sawa has already dropped out
• Almost freak out ‘try to keep it together ‘
• Regain your composure and reach for a nice, calming mug of hot apple cider
• Spill a little on yourself
• Kill Devon Sawa