By: Pat O'Brien
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54 Things You MUST Do This Fall
Fall is here! Now is the perfect time to:
- Go on a hayride
- Sleep with a warm blanket on you
- Give a business presentation with a warm blanket on you
- Get lost in a corn maze
- Get out of a corn maze with nothing but a pocket knife and your wits
- Finally take out your air conditioner
- Dress up your kids for trick-or-treating
- Dress up your kids and make them take out your air conditioner
- Drink some hot apple cider
- Fuck like there's no tomorrow (for summer has passed, as all things must)
- Go apple picking
- Go apple-dicking (where you stick your dick into an apple)
- Put on a comfy sweater
- Put on a Cosby sweater
- Look at the beautiful fall foliage
- Take a chainsaw and cut down any trees without beautiful foliage
- Do a “ghost tour” of your town
- Do a leprechaun and unicorn tour of your town because hey, if you believe ghosts are real, might as well go whole-hog
- Eat some pumpkin bread
- Eat only pumpkin bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner
- Stop exercising
- Drink nothing but pumpkin spice lattes
- Put on 40 lbs.
- Start smoking to lose weight (also a great reason to sneak outside for a peek at the foliage)
- Watch a lot of football
- Play a lot of football
- Get really good at football and be drafted by the NFL
- Kill someone
- Get away with it
- Come back, win a couple of Super Bowls and retire with your reputation intact (winners are always forgiven)
- Eat a candy apple to celebrate
- Remember that you don't have dental insurance since leaving the NFL
- Freak out because you think you might have a cavity
- Kill someone else
- Go for a drive in the country
- Spot a scarecrow
- Think about that movie The Crow and how it wasn't really scary
- Remember you just murdered someone
- Sip a hot apple cider while letting that sink in
- Spot a farmhouse with an apple pie cooling on the windowsill
- Think about what quaint fun it would be to nab that pie from the windowsill like Huck Finn
- Get caught by the farmer
- Panic and murder him
- Eat the whole pie
- Think about the fact that you've murdered three people now and wonder if that technically makes you a serial killer
- Think about how a football-playing serial killer is a pretty cool idea for a movie
- Sell the idea to Hollywood
- Make millions and once again clear your good name (rich entertainers are always forgiven)
- Watch as the following year, all the trick-or-treaters are dressed as your football-playing horror movie character “Helmethead”
- Get a call telling you there are script problems with Helmethead 2 and Devon Sawa has already dropped out
- Almost freak out ‘try to keep it together ‘
- Regain your composure and reach for a nice, calming mug of hot apple cider
- Spill a little on yourself
- Kill Devon Sawa