By: Pat O'Brien

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54 Things You MUST Do This Fall


Fall is here! Now is the perfect time to:

  • Go on a hayride
  • Sleep with a warm blanket on you
  • Give a business presentation with a warm blanket on you
  • Get lost in a corn maze
  • Get out of a corn maze with nothing but a pocket knife and your wits
  • Finally take out your air conditioner
  • Dress up your kids for trick-or-treating
  • Dress up your kids and make them take out your air conditioner
  • Drink some hot apple cider
  • Fuck like there's no tomorrow (for summer has passed, as all things must)
  • Go apple picking
  • Go apple-dicking (where you stick your dick into an apple)
  • Put on a comfy sweater
  • Put on a Cosby sweater
  • Look at the beautiful fall foliage
  • Take a chainsaw and cut down any trees without beautiful foliage
  • Do a “ghost tour” of your town
  • Do a leprechaun and unicorn tour of your town because hey, if you believe ghosts are real, might as well go whole-hog
  • Eat some pumpkin bread
  • Eat only pumpkin bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner
  • Stop exercising
  • Drink nothing but pumpkin spice lattes
  • Put on 40 lbs.
  • Start smoking to lose weight (also a great reason to sneak outside for a peek at the foliage)
  • Watch a lot of football
  • Play a lot of football
  • Get really good at football and be drafted by the NFL
  • Kill someone
  • Get away with it
  • Come back, win a couple of Super Bowls and retire with your reputation intact (winners are always forgiven)
  • Eat a candy apple to celebrate
  • Remember that you don't have dental insurance since leaving the NFL
  • Freak out because you think you might have a cavity
  • Kill someone else
  • Go for a drive in the country
  • Spot a scarecrow
  • Think about that movie The Crow and how it wasn't really scary
  • Remember you just murdered someone
  • Sip a hot apple cider while letting that sink in
  • Spot a farmhouse with an apple pie cooling on the windowsill
  • Think about what quaint fun it would be to nab that pie from the windowsill like Huck Finn
  • Get caught by the farmer
  • Panic and murder him
  • Eat the whole pie
  • Think about the fact that you've murdered three people now and wonder if that technically makes you a serial killer
  • Think about how a football-playing serial killer is a pretty cool idea for a movie
  • Sell the idea to Hollywood
  • Make millions and once again clear your good name (rich entertainers are always forgiven)
  • Watch as the following year, all the trick-or-treaters are dressed as your football-playing horror movie character “Helmethead”
  • Get a call telling you there are script problems with Helmethead 2 and Devon Sawa has already dropped out
  • Almost freak out ‘try to keep it together ‘
  • Regain your composure and reach for a nice, calming mug of hot apple cider
  • Spill a little on yourself
  • Kill Devon Sawa

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