By: Madalyn Baldanzi
Despite critical acclaim, Hannibal was cancelled by NBC after its third season. Much like Arrested Development was picked up after cancellation by Netflix, Hannibal has an offer from another up-and-coming network: HFN ‘ the Human Flesh Network. Read the press release below.
My Dearest Public-
Hello. My name is Spaulding Braithwaite. I ‘m what some might call an ‘eccentric billionaire.” But I prefer to think of myself as a friendless man in a rather large, isolated house. And like many of you, I was saddened by the recent cancellation of NBC ‘s Hannibal. How could they remove such a relatable, fun show from television?
I couldn ‘t imagine a world where Hannibal Lecter and his kooky cooking hijinks wouldn ‘t appear on my full-sized in-home movie theatre screen for 13 new episodes a year. It is my duty to make sure this show survives. I know I ‘ll have to outbid Syfy (which will be pathetically easy). I ‘ve spoken with Hannibal ‘s creator, Bryan Fuller, who said he would do ‘pretty much anything” to keep making his show. It would air on my own television channel, the Human Flesh Network, available for streaming on www.humanfleshnetworkyum.com.
I ‘d be thrilled to add Hannibal to my roster of shows, all of which I produce from my basement with a ‘ rotating cast of filmmakers. Gluten Free High Protein, Sharp Knives and How to Use Them, and America ‘s Funniest YouTube Videos Hosted by Spaulding Braithwaite have admittedly not been big hits. But here at HFN we strongly believe that this will be a mutually beneficial relationship for show and network.
Of course, there would be some changes to Hannibal. The cast and crew will live with me in my mansion. The entire show will also take place in my mansion. The boring parts of the show will be eliminated, like Will ‘s character arc and that Laurence Fishbone guy. Instead, we ‘ll refocus our efforts on what viewers really want: more Hannibal! It ‘s so rare that you see such an honest and refreshing take on eccentric rich people on television. Perhaps America just wasn ‘t ready for something so real. Fear not, though, because season four will consist mostly of what we all really want: gorgeous close up shots of human meat! Now that ‘s great TV!
My manservant Henry warned me that there may be some questions if I purchase Hannibal. Like, ‘Spaulding, why are you so enthusiastic about this show?” Maybe you should ask all those other rabid Hannibal fans why they like the show so much. Or, ‘OK, so is the Human Flesh Network a porn site then?” No! It ‘s merely a random fun name I happened to think of when creating my own online television empire. Or, ‘Spaulding, if Hannibal is the only character left, why can ‘t all the other actors go home?” Talk to Bryan Fuller, that was part of the contract he got the whole cast and crew to sign. Or, ‘Where ‘s Bryan Fuller?” He ‘s busy! He ‘s busy goddammit!! Leave me alone with all your wretched questions.
Ahem, so, yes. Hopefully you ‘ll be tuning into HFN for season four of Hannibal this fall, with all the latest from TV ‘s most lovable goofball, Mr. Lecter! In the meantime, don ‘t forget Hannibal ‘s favorite wacky catchphrase: ‘Killing must feel good to God ‘ He does it all the time, and are we not created in His image?”